..... Or Are They?

I said in that last post that words are just words. What I should have said is.... words are just words to some people. We have all said things that we don't mean. We all have also said things that we truly do mean. The problem lies here.... when you are more likely to say things that you don't mean.... so when you say things you really mean, it's hard to believe you. We have all said this before...."But, I mean it this time." The only reason to say something like this is because yo have said things you didn't mean too many times. So, I guess my advice to you and myself is this.... if you don't mean it, don't say it.

As most of you know, I will put my heart on this blog. I will say exactly how I feel, when I feel like it. Sometimes it works out pretty well. Sometimes I end up falling on my face.... Here is one of those times that I pray I don't fall...................

I'm Not Gonna Lie

I'm in Love. I could lie and say it's not true. But, I won't. I'm going to put it all on the line right now. I'll say what I have to say, and see where it goes. You know who you are, so I won't put your name on here. I don't wanna put you out there like that. I'm done with the games, this is what I'm about.........

When I wake up in the morning, I wonder if you are sleeping peacefully in your bed. I wish I could roll over and kiss you good morning, and see your pretty face. On my way to work, I wonder if it's too early to text you. I try to find a way to make the day go as fast as possible, so I can get home and maybe see you. At night, I lay in bed wondering if I'll see you the next day. That's how it has been lately. And I've gotten nowhere. I wonder what I can do different to make you see that this is real?

The last two days that I have seen you has gone like this..... Saturday, I invite you to my house for a little pregame, we drank, smoked and had a good time. Then we go to my cousins' bar to watch the fight.... we drink some more and have a blast with my friends. I made sure you were comfortable. Then we go to another bar just to have a drink, we play a game of foosball, go to Taco Bell and head back to my place. We get comfortable, smoke again.... and watch the Simpsons movie( SpiderPig, SpiderPig... does whatever a SpiderPig does.....). Remember, I asked for a kiss every ten minutes? It was a great night.

Sunday night was a little different, but none the less great. Matter of fact, it was better. When I knew that you were coming over, I decided to cook us dinner. I decided to go all out. Made a pretty good dinner, I think. I even made us dessert. Remember the flying strawberry? You graciously let me watch about a half hour of the All-Star game. Then, I promised you we could watch Halloween( even though it is Febuary ). We snuggled up a little bit by the fire. After the movie, we watched a little tv.... then we played pinball for awhile, and I kicked your ass. Then we played name that tune for about two hours, and you seen the picture on tv of me when I was in that group!!! You didn't wanna leave, and I didn't want you to leave.... but the sun was about to show its face. It was one of those times where as soon as you get home.... you start texting, because you miss each other already. Remember what you said?.........

" I miss you already "

" I'm sorry for all the fights and mean things I've said, even when I didn't mean them "

" I know you might not believe me Shawn, but I'll never leave you again, and I'm actually falling in love with you "

" I don't want anyone else, you have to trust me "

" When I'm with you, I feel like no one else is around but me "

How does it go from that to Monday.... You said you were coming to my house if the roads were clear. I waited for two hours, to find out the roads must not have been good enough to drive to my house, but good enough to drive to Cleveland to lay in another mans bed. Not only that, but you write online and brag about it..... and I take a backseat........ again. And tell me the next day that it's not my business where you sleep. Sigh. I guess it's not. My mistake was believing that it was my business.... after all those other words you said.

Maybe you should not say words that you don't mean. Maybe I should not fall in love with someone that has told me before that they'll never love me like I love them. Maybe I should not follow my heart. Maybe.

Again, I'm not going to lie. I am deeply in love with you bella, you know this. I wanna love you unconditionally, and be loved the same way. I wanna show you how it should be. I begged you not to do this to me again..... I couldn't take it again. I can't. I need you, I want you, I love you.

Somebody Call the Paramedics.....

I cant do it like I used to. I must be getting old. It's either that or the game has changed. I can remember when you'd meet a girl somewhere, flirt with her, dance with her, walk her to her car at the end of the night, and maybe get a kiss. Let's assume that you both are feeling each other. You would try your hardest not to text her that night... you wouldn't want to seem over zealous. And that lasted about an hour! You'd send her something innocent to try to start a conversation.... "Hope you got home safe, it was nice meeting you". Whether she responded that night or the next day.... it was great. Let's say it got to the point of taling everyday, maybe a few harmless dates.... then real feelings emerge. You can't stop thinking about her, and you don't want to. You can smell her perfume all day, you can feel her lips on yours.... you text each other all day for no apparent reason. You can't wait to get off work to see her. She can't either. You say things to each other like.... "I miss you so much"..... five minutes after she leaves your house. And it's real because that is how you feel......

Things are either not that way anymore.... or I can't find that girl who feels that way about me. Maybe a little of both. I want a girl to feel that way though..... like when she wakes up, she is counting down the hours and minutes until she can see me again. And even if she can't see me..... there is no doubt that we will be talking all day. And if we don't see each other... it's only because it wasn't possible. Not because either one of us was looking for something better to come along. Because if the feelings are real..... there is nothing better that can possibly come along.

Maybe those days are over for me. I still get those feelings though. And I guess that someday someone will get all giddy about me again. I just pray that the feelings are mutual.

My problem has been this.... I follow my heart no matter where it tells me to go. And some people will say that is foolish. I might agree on occasion. But, I am a believer. I believe that true love is out there. I believe that you must truly believe in something for it to be real. I'm in love right now. I'll never be with this person the way I want to be. That's how I feel at this minute. But, be assured, that as soon as I see her smile.... that feeling will change. Not that it matters too much if her feelings are nowhere close to mine. I can't figure it out because the words are always there.... but words are just words.

It's Been A Long Time......

I shouldn't have left you.... without a dope beat to step to, step to, step, step, step to........ I'm back!!!